So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
