so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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