I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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