i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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