I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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