I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
