so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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