I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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