how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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