Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
