And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
