mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
