i'm signing you up for texting rehab
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
