Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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