I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
