i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
