Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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