you lied. pity sex is amazing.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
