he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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