he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
