dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
