that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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