I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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