we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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