My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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