i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's blow job season.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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