god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Randomize
