i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
