i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
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Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
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I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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