listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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