Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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