no, he came in my armpit
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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