I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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