I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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