Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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