Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
