This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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