i wish my penis had a tongue
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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