Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
