if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
