Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
