Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So drunk its hurt
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
