Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
