I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
