So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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