Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
