If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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