then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
