She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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