My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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