the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
