I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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