You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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