the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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