ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
