First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
